community over friends

this is what i’ve been wanting when i say i want a community. i had friends. but i didn’t feel like i had a community.

the difference is so subtle, but important for me, for all of us. we’ve learnt to be hyper independent. I’ve learnt to be hyper independent,

because i didn’t like the type of community i grew up with either. as much as i appreciated the filipino way, of “family is everything”, and always having family look out for me, i didn’t like the toxicity that came with it, like i owed my whole life to my family, i felt like i had no freedom and i felt like i couldn't have my own life, especially being the oldest daughter, i felt the immense pressure on me.

so i went, ran far, the opposite way. i became hyper independent.

but these past few years, i’ve been in a journey of finding myself craving being part of a community again, but in a different way

in a healthier way, a chosen community, where you have similar goals. the real kind where you feel its reciprocal and you don’t owe anyone anything.

you know you just have each others backs, not transactional. a village.

i’ve been subtly, low key, conciously working on building this for me and how i started is by serving others.

showing up for my family again, friends, people around me, being there for airport pick ups, sharing cars, offering a place to stay, genuinely checking in on my inner circle, calling more, cooking for others.

then, i started to accept help too. i just started to actually be the community i’ve been searching for.

and when i needed it most, they really pull through.

the last month has been a rollercoaster of crazy. my life turned upside down when i was diagnosed with stage 4 lupus nephritis last month.

in layman's terms, i had inflammation in my kidneys due to my autoimmune disease - it was starting to attack its own organs which could lead to kidney failure (real quickly if not attended to).

it has been a rollercoaster of denial, resistance and acceptance but that’s another story.

with this hardest, most painful physically and mentally draining time of my life, is where i really had no choice but lean on my support system, the community i have.

Jackson, my love, has been the most stable rock. between still working full time, living an hour away from the hospital with little sleep, he manages to be here on the daily, with such ease. he is the calm within me.

my family, mum and dad, who cries for me, prays for me, cooks me the home cooked meals that takes up the whole ward fridge cause the hospital food smells like farts. you brought me to this world, i no longer feel like i owe you anything but i hope i can be a better, more present of a sister and daughter, and i am always here for you like you have been here for me even if it doesn’t feel like it.

my friends, who had been feeding and walking our dog, dropping me off goodies, visiting, sending love, messages and calls, creating a support menu, laughing, crying with me. i am amazed, grateful, full of warmth and gratitude.

a special mention to kesh, who has been here through our health journey since our early 20s, our relationship looks a little different now but i think we both like it so much more. you make me laugh and cry at the same time, your shameless self bringing a trolley to the ward so you can bring my inherited nearly dead peace lilly back to me, is a god send.

if you’ve made it to the end of my ramblings, thank you.

if you’re on the struggling end, its okay to ask for help. if you know someone who is struggling, and you have capacity to offer help, do so, it’ll make you feel good too and you may just find yourself with a stronger bond within your inner circle, and its so wonderful.

let’s rebuild our village and deepend our bonds.

love, shek x